Ask Doctor Jowler is the Dear Abby of the "Pass the Pigs" world.
Have a question about Pass The Pigs? Need a solution? Ask Doctor Jowler:
Doctor Jowler,
I've been attending Masters Tournaments for a few years now. I usually just wake up in the morning, grab some clothes off of my floor, and go to the tournament. I'm a "get up and go" kind of guy so I don't even shower before a tournament (why bother? I'm just going to throw up on myself, right?). I haven't won the championship yet and I was wondering if my poor hygiene and dirty clothing may have something to do with it.
Sincerely, Pretty In Stink
Dear Stink,
It's sad that you would blame your string of losses on a wardrobe malfunction or skiddy underpants. Unless you're dressing like a wizard and your long sleeves are affecting your rolls, I would think it's you, not your clothes or your funk that are the problem. It's all in your head and you need to practice more. ... However, you might want to consider that if you do win the tournament you'll have a victory photograph plastered all over the Pig Madness website, so you'll want to look good for that. And consider that if you win you receive a green jacket (when people remember to bring them to the tournament that is) so you won't want to clash. I recommend wearing something that is comfortable and breathes easy. Something that isn't restrictive but won't tangle your arms up in the heat of a good series of throws. I would also suggest taking a bath out of courtesy to other players. Also, always have a comb in your pocket just in case you do win so you'll look spiffy in that photo. For those who don't have too much hair left, perhaps some turtle wax and buff to really bring out that shine.
Doctor J.
Doctor Jowler,
Recently my girlfriend has seen me practicing the pigs at home so now she wants to play all the time. It's fun that we have another thing in common and I do like playing with her at home and at events, but she's stinks. This girl can't roll a razorback to save her life. It's hard to have fun playing pigs when your opponent is so wretched at the game. Do you think I should let her win a few games just so she feels good about herself?
Sincerely, The Pig Lover
Dear Pig Lover,
No, kick her ass Sea Bass. Building false hope in a pathetic pig passer is a horrible thing to do to. It's cruel and unusual. It's even worse if they develop an ego from it. Hearing a loser talk trash can inspire you to become even more ruthless then before. But don't worry, even the worst of players wins once in a while so she should do fine...eventually. Perhaps you can play strip pigs so you won't feel so bad about winning all the time.
Doctor J
Doctor Jowler,
I've been telling everyone I know how much fun it is to play Pass The Pigs. I was lucky enough to attend the 2009 Pig Madness event in Venice California and I had a great time. What advice can you give me as I look towards my return to the Madness in 2010? Sincerely The Next Madness Champ.
Dear Madness Champ,
I like your spirit. It's great that you're already preparing for the Madness event. Generally speaking, the Pig Madness is held in the first week of August which gives you a solid 5 months of training. I advise doing a lot of cardio. The Madness is a long day and with the heat of the California sun reflecting off those high quality tables, it gets hotter then Beelzebub's bath tub. Also, consider your alcohol consumption. Many people lose control of their game towards the end of the Madness because the booze has finally caught up to them, so either don't drink like a moron at the Madness OR get used to drinking like a moron all the time to build up a tolerance!
Doctor J.
Doctor Irving Jowler, Ph.D., is a world renowned psychologist, hypnotherapist, and pizza delivery man. He earned his psychology degree from the University of Rangoon in 1992 and received the prestigious "Dangling Watch" award for penmanship by the National Hypnosis and Iron Smelting Institute in 1998. Currently, Doctor Jowler works exclusively with "classic" game enthusiasts to increase their skill in games such as Yahtzee, Connect Four, Battle Ship, Stratego, and Pass The Pigs. It is his hope that one day board games will be considered true sports worthy of Olympic competition. He has mentored and coached numerous professional gaming athletes and is currently the official psychologist and pizza delivery man of the National Pass The Pigs League.
